A Beauty Queen
A Beauty Queen '''is the first episode of the first series of Sweet Sow. In this episode, Peppa and her mother get involved in a car accident, after running over a hitchhiker, who is mentally ill. Plot Mummy Pig accidentally runs over a hitchhiker while on the way to a Sodium beauty pageant. Script '''Peppa: (offscreen) My name's Peppa and I'm a beauty queen, bitch! My mummy takes me to beauty pageants everywhere. Mummy Pig: (offscreen) She's a very sweet sow. (Title card) (Peppa and Mummy Pig are inside of a random SUV.) Mummy Pig: Today Peppa is going to compete in Miss Sweet Soda. For fuck's sake, it's busy. Peppa: What's that? Mummy Pig: Drink it. It's a sketti and red bull smoothie. Peppa: Okay. (drinks) Yuck! Mummy Pig: What did you just say to me? Peppa: I don't like it. Mummy Pig: Well, you're sleeping in the trunk tonight, miss. Peppa: Mummy, watch out! Mummy Pig: Look, a hitchhiker! (The car runs over the hitchhiker.) Hitchhiker: (as he gets ran over) TOAST! Mummy Pig: '''Crap. '''Peppa: Mummy, what are we gonna do? You're going to jail. Mummy Pig: Hide it. Peppa: Okay. (Mummy Pig gets out of the car and picks up the dead body. She puts it in the trunk of the car, and goes back in.) Peppa: Mummy, you killed a person! Mummy Pig: I know. Let's drive off before someone finds out. Peppa: I'm hungry. Mummy Pig: We'll get a God damn snack after we cremate the body. Hitchhiker: (inside the trunk) Hey, it's Fred! Mummy Pig: What the hell was that? Peppa: I don't know. Does Miburi-TV air on the Island of Soda? Mummy Pig: Nope. The hitchhiker was a stoner. Peppa: What's a stoner? Mummy Pig: It's a person who smokes pot. Peppa: Oh. Hitchhiker: Why Judy, why? Mummy Pig: Phew, he's alive. Hitchhiker: Et tu, Bruté? Mummy Pig: Oh hell no. (starts to inflate) Peppa: What's happening? Mummy Pig: Giovanni Christmas tape! Peppa: Who's Giovanni? Hitchhiker: Boobies! Mummy Pig: DVD bra! Hitchhiker: (starts singing) We got some cookies for Angelica Pickles. We gotta have the cookies until the ages she's become. Peppa: Mummy! You're blue. Hitchhiker: I got the cookies. It's some chocolate-chip cookies. singing Say kids, what time is it? (Just before someome says something, Peppa starts shrinking.) Mummy Pig: Me. (transforms into DVD bra, retaining her inflating body) Peppa: Mummy, why do you look so tall? Hitchhiker: I don't know. Peppa: Why are you a vampire? Hitchhiker: Cause' I'm tall. (his face starts to melt) Peppa: (stops shrinking) Bloody Hell! DVD bra: (starts singing) Our barbeque will be dandy. Cause' we'll bring all sorts of candy. Peppa: Where's the barbeque though? DVD bra: I don't care what anyone says to me. I'm a 17-year-old college freshman. Hitchhiker: I WILL NOT DIE! (howls like a wolf as he collapses to the ground) DVD bra: Bitch, I don't feel like carrying his body. You do it. (Peppa takes the hitchhiker's dead body and throws it into a nearby river) Hitchhiker: Wolfwere! DVD bra: Well, shit. He's still alive. Peppa: We're gonna be late to the pageant. DVD bra: I don't care, let's go camping. Peppa: But mummy... DVD bra: Yo, it's Tessa Brooks. The competition shook. Hitchhiker: The name's Bond, James Bond. DVD bra: These guys up on me. I got 'em with the hook. Let me educate ya, and I ain't talkin' book. Hitchhiker: Hey, it's Fred! DVD bra: Panera is your home, so stop calling my phone. I'm flying like a drone. Hitchhiker: (singing) I feel like I'm a werewolf. Cause' that's true, look! DVD bra: They buying like a loan, yeah, I smell good. Is that boy's cologne? Hitchhiker: Is that boy's colo- (his head explodes) Peppa: Wait, he's an imposter. The real one is over there! Hitchhiker: I'm a werewolf! Full moon tonight. DVD bra: Fuck you. Werewolves don't exist. Hitchhiker: Eric Cartman - To Yule (1986). Peppa: The hitchhiker's eyes are yellow and looks like he's experiencing unusual hair growth, mummy. DVD bra: Bullshit. He's just insane. Hitchhiker: (howls at the moon) ROAR! DVD bra: Nope. Hitchhiker: You're a werewolf, DVD bra! DVD bra: Nope. You're the werewolf, dumbass! Hitchhiker: No, we're both werewolves. (singing) Can't you see, DVD bra? DVD bra: You're a vampire, bitch! (morphs into Mummy Dog) Peppa: Mummy? DVD bitch: Bitch. (All of a sudden, her eyes turn yellow.) Peppa: Eek! Too scary. Hitchhiker: Told you. Peppa: The hitchhiker's a furry! Hitchhiker: Nope, you are. Peppa: Why? Hitchhiker: Because... (bites Peppa) Peppa: OWWWWWW! (starts growing hair all over her body) Shit, I'm gonna be a werewolf. Hitchhiker: FURRY! (transforms into a vampire) DVD bitch: (howls at the full moon) ROAR! Hitchhiker: I ain't no hitchhiker anymore. I'm a vampire! to grow tall Peppa: Why are vampires so tall? (eyes turn yellow) Hitchhiker: (in an Italian accent) We have to make spaghetti. Spaghetti! Peppa: That's not a reason. Hitchhiker: Somebody! Peppa: Who? OWWWWWW! DVD bitch: Let's go to the pageant! Peppa: No. We're gonna be late. DVD bitch: Nonsense! (DVD bitch, Peppa and the Hitchhiker are suddenly transported to the beauty pageant.) DVD bitch: See. I told you. Peppa: Thank you, mummy! DVD bitch: You're welcome. Peppa: Also, what is your name, hitchhiker? Hitchhiker: My name is Fred Figglehorn and I'm six years old. Peppa: I'm six and I'm not an adult. DVD bitch: He's probably mentally ill. Hitchhiker: Well, I was released from a mental institution a few months ago. DVD bitch: Alright. Get on stage and impress them judges. Peppa: Okay. Judge #1: She's ugly! I'll give her a three. Judge #2: I agree! She's very unappealing. I'll give her a two. Judge #3: Who even gave birth to this abomination! Zero. DVD bitch: Hey! How dare you insult my daughter. Hitchhiker: Don't worry, your daughter has a "secret talent". DVD bitch: What do you mean? Hitchhiker: Just watch. Peppa: I have a special talent. (stares at the judges) Judge #1: What is she even doing? Judge #2: What's happening? Judge #3: MY EYES! (After all three judges watch Peppa, the first judge's head shrivels up, the second judge's head explodes into pieces, and the third judge's face is melted off his skull.) (Cuts to Peppa, her mother and the hitchhiker in a jail cell.) Mummy Pig: Well, at least I ain't a DVD bitch no more. But we lost. Look on the bright side, we're famous! (end) Trivia *Giovanni is the main protagonist of the Italian-made Sodium sitcom Giovanni Below the Five. *The judges' deaths are a reference to Raiders of the Lost Ark. Category:Sweet Sow episodes Category:Fanon